isabel_free (isabel_free) wrote,

even if things were different

i willed myself to stop crying by the end of april, so i wouldn't have to go on meds.  i even ended early, gave myself a margin.   lately the low grade sadness has returned, but it's only been a couple of weeks and actual tears are mostly sporadic and need to be coaxed.  today my credit card didn't work.  it's maxed out.  finally i am left with only cash in hand to survive.  i've pursued 1security job and 1 bakery driver job and I think one other position.  I've resisted responding to 2 potentially illegal gigs in Chicago. I got a call on the bakery driver job but it's not going to work out.  I signed up for 9 credits of night classes to "retool my skillset."  I wish I had bought a new portable vacuum before I maxed out the credit card.  I need to use the last of my loan to send annual support payments to my vajra nuns. i keep telling myself to be brave.  there is an old and eery feeling from a time long past that arises now and then.  i keep telling myself to be brave.

my angel is turning 30.  i put all my heart into sending him well wishes and bringing forth the latent love of others as best i could.  i both succeeded and failed at this.  yesterday i made him a homemade card.  i put a collage of 5 pix on the front, with a heart with the words "angel" typed in it, embedded within the flying dakini pic.  on the back i pasted in things i had written about him over the past couple of years, things he would never have occasion to see.  on the inside i wrote him a greeting card style poem, entitled "Because of you...."  in the poem, i lightened my load by one secret.  i confessed that because of him, i eat lunch out of the breakroom vending machines.

yeah i eat salami sandwiches on white bread ($1.95) a bag of chips (.75 or top row .90) and a mocha with max whitener, sugar, and strength (.65).  i transform it all to prasad and i share it with an angel and sometimes a dakini, and sometimes some others too.  RGI guards transform into guardians, it is they who work for us, we invoke their samaya, it is us who are free.  when i finished the card, i bawled.  i didn't have to coax a thing.  the tears came all on their own.

even if things were different, they would still be different still.

my angel is in prison, my mage is in the bar, my girlfriends are scattered, my dakini found a nice girl, my compatriot came to his senses, bob died some time ago.  i don't know where the others are.  i hope they are well and fine.  last night i snuggled with charlie and he stayed in our bed all night.  kutsch got pissed off just the same as he has for the past 18 years.  dads don't like sharing their beds with their children.  moms do.

even if things were different, they would still be different still.

my angels little brother is building me a bike.  he asked if i want to see it.  i said "nah, i'll wait"    on the inside i thought, i don't want to see it, i want to jump on, feel the warm leather best-of-it's-kind seat between my legs, ride it to the edge of of the four times, fall off the edge of the earth, land on the peak of mt. meru, drink mate with a dakini, remember all the best, forget all the worst, laugh, cry, dissolve into emptiness, remain there for 10,108 years, manifest once more, do it all over again.

even it things were different they would still be different still.

if i could rearrange all the peices of this life, what of it really.  itiswhatitisweareweittherearenomistakes

i feel pretty good really.  it's not so o o o o  hard to change my view.  it's my view--can't be boughtnorsold, nodebtcollectorcantakeitaway, itcantbehauledofffromthecornerlikebruce'sbed. it's my view.  ok it's our view.  ok we'll just say it's no one's view, a clear view, a pure view, an empty view. an... itworksiuiworkit view.
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