kev emptied his pockets to give me ten bucks when he heard i was scavenging change from the laundry room to put enough gas in my tank to make it to work. I tried not to take it, he made me and he said nice things that made me want to cry. the my space rabbit rockstar told me if i were in the rehearsal room backstage with him, he'd cancel the show. it was just a line, but it was a good one, it made me smile. my husband paid me fifty bucks for head this morning and told me if he lost everything and had only fifty bucks left to his name he'd use it to buy a BJ from me. it was just a line, but it was a good one, it made me smile.
i cried all the way to work listening over and over to 2 songs on my I-pod. when men kidnap women and turn them into sex slaves, the victims go through a period of fighting and trying to escape, but the kidnapper uses mind control techniques to slowly slowly condition them for servitude. eventually they won't escape even when they can. when prisoners go to the hole in prison, i think they may go through a similar process of acceptance and resolve of their situation. i think i am going through something like this too. in time i will adjust to my circumstance and eventually, in time, i'll emerge to a different one. i dreampt i got in my car and someone from the backseat put their hands around my neck. i was spooked at work the next morning. i was spooked in the dark on floor 2 and the parking garage.
i edited prior writing for hours and hours at work, i'm so picky, never ever satisfied with words--i hate them for the ways they fail me. there are peices missing from the middle that i am afraid and unable to write still. i went to my box bowed, prayed, pleaded, set my intention, directed my will or surrender.
i showed kev the crib-note-version-of-crowley book i made for the guy at the coffee shop with 93 tattooed on his arm. i felt like an apprehensive student waiting to see "how much i got wrong". he was proud, i could tell--his only edit was grammatical, his only comment tangential. i kinda wanna make a copy of it before i give it to him. i like that i boiled all that massive maze of thelemic verbage down to its essence. i am so grateful to be a Dzogchen practitioner. NN teachings and all the teachings i've received are so amazing. I am so grateful for what my life has included. I can't even believe most of of it.
i'm behind in both my classes, behind in wsnac, behind in my job, near penniless with 8 days left to go in this month. And yet. And yet. And yet. I have the most amazing beautiful landscape and beautiful creatures in my Mandala--I've travelled to places in this realm and others, experience pain and pleasure to the nth degree. I think I must be the luckiest samsaric soul to ever take human form.