i walked along the lakeshore with mark and we talked about many things. he wondered when we "became real friends" as in began hanging out just the two of us. i promised to look it up on livejournal, because i wrote about tears and mud after we hung out one night at rochambo. I knew it was sometime in April, so it was a year and a day ago at least. That night I confessed to him that I was in demonic form, and he being psychotic interpretted this...well quite literally perhaps. They were strange and desperate times for us both. I cried more tears by some infinite factor more than all the tears I had ever cried before in all my lives. I waited to float up to higher realms, I willed myself to bloom, i found a box, i didn't die... obli di obla da, bob i can see you pointing at me like garab dorje in the only dream/vision of you i ever had since you passed. it was years ago, but i can see you as clear as a bell. mark's journey was frightening and slow to restore from too. and meanwhile the exalted held el dakini under a powerful spell, as the mage took over his home and family, and the angel got programmed to a describe samsara with words like..."boundaries" and "personalization" o ya and my husband paid for his sins by lining the pocket of a court appointed sex counselor who used the mandated sessions to ask me what to do about his sex life with his wife...
seems we are all breathing a little easier now--the whole planet. my angel wrote a lyric, "if i can't have you i want everyone else instead" and one wrote me that goes, "if i can't ride you, then i want to ride a bike instead." i need to eat yogurt.
ok what else--if i.....clean the closet floor in the kitchen and all the cupboards, and get the front office completely vacated, and...get the porch clean....and rearrange and clean george's room and the upstairs playroom....then...then something....then rather than being rewarded with a motherlode i'll probably just miss it.
paco said the nicest things to me, about my career my future my life--like a coach then he told me i looked exceedingly hot at the meeting. and the new guy--martini guy--told me my stockings made him crazy--he texted me from the bathroom asking to see my video, offered me a job, looked sad to learn i am married. i was so horny that day. i should've gone to a graveyard and visualized. I'm like Laura, I don't masturbate. It sucks and it's futile. I had a good visualization awhile ago--a ritual. She was in it--her and 4 other gopis, like a pentagram, or lotus, or mandala of buddha families, all on their knees, perhaps blindfolded, but exotically adorned and smelling sweetly. A kind magickal creature--youthful and beautiful beyond compare stood in the middle. With five squirts, five streams of immortal ambrosia and his nectar landed in the mouths of the 5 scarlet palates. I don't know if this is physically possible in the real world, but for the visualization it was .....magicka, with me the mastermind prepping and adorning the girls as offerings, ensuring they met with the approval of Krsna, wrapping the space in rainbow light--invoking the protection of the guardians of all left handed tantrik systems--being the "---" in the magickal forulae. It was the first rite of the sc cooperative--ceremonial sex magick on the astral plan. uncle al--Ha Ha Ha!
ok what else....ya i'm at work, procrastinating the stuff i really neeeeed to do. bad girl. but there was some other pressing thing to let dissolve in cyberspace...hmmmmm. i just don't recall--maybe that i am no less financially destitute than a year ago, despite what i really feel has been a good faith effort on my part. and yet, and yet i am rich in spirit, richer than kings, and queens and sultans and shieks. the things that matter most are more abundant than ever.
It's thundering outside